Originally posted: February 18, 2004.
My friend Boch just bought one of those camera-phones. Man, those things are cool. I originally had a hard time seeing the value, until we hit a bar on friday and he snapped some shots. Here’s one. How ’bout that, eh? All blurry and artistic and shit! Candid bar shots! Now, there’s some serious potential fun with that. I’m sure there’s a game we can come up with to utilize this all-important invention. My dinosaur brick of a cell phone sucks in comparison. All I’ve got is Snake on mine. Not to dog Snake, it’s a fine game. But a camera phone at a bar is much cooler than playing Snake at a bar. Take it from me…
Last Saturday was Valentine’s Day, wasn’t it? Hope you all had a nice one. Here’s my Valentine’s Day memory…
Boch, Pops, and I went out and grabbed a bite to eat at Twains. We then cabbed it over to our pals’ house for a pre-going-out-type party. When the cab pulled up to the house, there was a group of ladies outside. Hmmm, this could be good… Except for one thing – they were out waiting for a cab.
We got out. They got in. Adios ladios.
We sat around drinking beers and Scotch and chatting with the dudes who lived at the place. Two hours or so later the cab that the girls had originally been waiting for showed up. So, when you think about it, we were the only reason the girls left. Had we not showed up, deus ex machina style in a cab, the ladies would have remained along with the Scotch for another couple hours. Irony’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?
The other weekend I was chatting with my pal, Leo. I was complaining about my shitty car, Peter. Man, Peter sucks. This bastard of a car is clicking non-stop, the alignment’s gone, and it’s actually kinda scary driving now. Well, scarier. It was already quite an adventure driving to and from work and dodging the idiots walking across the street who brainlessly expect you, the one in the car, to just stop. I seriously can’t understand how these bastards aren’t flat yet – nobody in Atlanta actually pays attention while they drive. They’re too busy focusing on remembering not to put on their turn signal to actually pay attention to the road ahead.
But I digress.
I was telling Leo that I need a car that’s big enough to haul shit. I recently had to carry a mailbox pole in my shitty car, Peter. Man, it was stupid. This dumb piece of wooden shit was all crammed in the backseat diagonally and sticking the rest of it’s dumb self out of the shotgun side window.
So here’s this dork in a shitty car, swerving all over the road, clicking, with a dumb pole sticking out of it. Man…
Besides hauling shit, I want a big car for another important use – a place to sleep. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve lately grown to see the value in sleeping in your car. If you’ve had a few beers and don’t want to drive home, no more worries! Just say goodnight to your pals, hop in your car, and snooze! It’s extremely efficient for numerous reason – one being that you sleep terribly and wake up earlier, thus allowing you more hours in your day! Ah, productivity through debauchery! I’ve figured it out!
I said that if I get a big enough car, I could just go ahead and put a bed in the back. Not a mattress or anything, just the essentials – pillow, sheets, radio (already got a shitty one of those). That would be freaking funny, right? I’d be an actual turtle, carrying my house with me wherever I go. I could put a bookcase back there and a lamp and have a full-on bedroom! Hell, it could be so nice that I’d never use my stationary bedroom. Why would I need to, right? With my mobile bedroom I could just wake up, crawl into the seat in front and start my day! Wouldn’t even have to turn off the radio! And shit, there’d be an infinitely large bathroom right outside! Perfect…
But then Leo mentioned the ever-present rub – that it may be a little awkward when/if I ever picked up a girl on a date…
“Is that a bed I see back there???”
“You got that right, baby!”
“Uh, any reason in particular you feel you need a bed in your car tonight?”
“Well, of course…oh… no, wait! No, it’s not what you think!”
“Uh..huh…”
“No, look! It’s not what you think! It’s for sleeping! For me! Alone! When I’m drunk and shit! I had no intention of trying to bed you down! Well, wait, that came out wrong. I mean, if you were interested in that, well, than I guess… Wait, that came out wrong too! Look, I’m weird and thought it’d be cool to be a turtle and…”
“Ummm…”
“Uh………….. Don’t ever call you again, right?”
“Right.”
The ever-present rub. Pun intended.
