Originally posted: October 23, 2003
So, the unfortunate part of being single again after 5 years is that sooner or later I’m gonna have to get off my ass and start dating. Some folks would look forward to that. Hell yeah, they’d say, there’s a sea of hot birdies out there, Bones! The time is now, old boy! Get you some!
That’s all well and good, except for the fact that I’ve never been much of a dater…
You see, I was always a lot more comfortable pounding brews and charging straight into faux philosophical/political conversations with a lady at a bar (or around a keg, actually, being the last time I was single kegs were still a hot commodity)… than I was small-talking over martinis in some hip restaurant full of dudes with highlights in their hair. I’m afraid the days of keg conversations, sticky hands wrapped around SOLO cups, and “guarding the keg, Bones?” comments are long gone…
So, I may have to go on an actual, sigh, date…
Shit, I can’t even think of the last time I ever said “hey, can I get your number?” Damn, that sounds lame. Not to mention, I’ll probably even make it lamer by saying, “you got a website I can check out or something?”
Anyway, let’s pretend I somehow magically get past this weird ritual and set up a date. Well, then the real trouble is gonna begin…
I can see it now… I drive up to… uh, let’s call her Karen(??)… Karen’s house, in my shitty ass car named Peter…. She’s checked out my website. She thinks I’m alright. Looking forward to getting to know me. She’s waiting for me outside…
———————-
BONES: Hi Karen. It’s good to see you again. Here let me open the car door for ya.
KAREN: Why thank you, Bones. Already earning points…
BONES: Uh, hold on a sec… Let me just move this boom box off the chair…
KAREN: Boom box?
BONES: Yeah, well, my car stereo was stolen a couple years ago and I never got around to replacing it…
KAREN: Uh, ok…
We pull out of the driveway…
KAREN: So, where are we going tonight?
BONES: Well, there’s this great place called Taco Mac. You ever heard of it? Tons of beers and some killer wings… You’ll love it.
KAREN: Uh, ok. Sounds… great…
BONES: Shit… Can you do me a favor?
KAREN: Mmm?
BONES: There’s a blue folder underneath your chair. Can you grab it and open it for me?
KAREN: Sure! Is it some of your latest writing or something?
BONES: Uh no. It’s actually a bunch of print-outs from MapQuest. See, I have no direction sense and get lost everywhere I go. So, I print out driving directions from everywhere I’m coming from to everywhere I’m going to… There should be one in there labeled “Karen’s house –> Taco Mac.” You see it?
KAREN: Yeah… But, we’re only like 3 miles from it.
BONES: But if I don’t follow the directions, we’ll end up being 30 miles from it…
KAREN: Oooookay… It says to turn left at the second light.
BONES: Second light… Second light. Shit! How many lights have we passed already?! Have I missed it?? Oh hell, where are we???
KAREN: Just turn left up here, Bones… Sheesh…
BONES: My bad.
KAREN: Uh, do you mind if we turn on the A/C? It’s a little hot in here…
BONES: Oh it doesn’t work actually. I never bothered to get it fixed. So, these days it just blows out hot air. But, if hot air’s ok with you, I’d gladly turn it on…
KAREN: No. I’m fine.
BONES: Okey dokey.
KAREN: Uh, go ahead and take a right.
BONES: Where?!
KAREN: Here! Right here! Turn Right!!
BONES: Where?! Fuck!
KAREN: Here, damnit!!!! You just missed it!!
BONES: These fucking Atlanta roads!!! It’s a complete mess around here!! There was no way I could have made that turn with all these other cars around!! Damnit!!! This shit would be so much easier if we just had jetpacks instead of cars!!! Damnit, when are they gonna invent the jetpack?! How long do we have to wait! It’s 2003, and we’re still in stupid cars limited to linear movement. Damn linearity!!! Damn it to hell!!!
KAREN: Uh, I think my cell phone is ringing…
BONES: You sure? I don’t hear anything…
KAREN: Yes, it’s ringing…. I need to answer it…. Hello? Yes, this is Karen…
BONES: Who are you talking to?
KAREN: Shhh! I’m on the phone!
BONES: You’re not even holding a phone!
KAREN: Shhh! What? There’s been a problem? I have to come home immediately??? Ok, I can do that…
BONES: Who are you talking to?? There’s no phone! You’re not even holding your hand up to your ear!!!
KAREN: Bones, I need to go. There’s been a problem at home.
BONES: What????
KAREN: Can you please take me home…
BONES: …
KAREN: Damnit it’s hot in here… Uh, can you please take me home…
BONES: Yeah… sure…
KAREN: …
BONES: …
BONES: Uh, can you open up that blue folder and finder the Mapquest printout that says…
KAREN: HERE’S FINE! JUST DROP ME OFF HERE!!!
BONES: Uh…ok.
Karen gets out of the car and walks in the opposite direction. I drive off.
BONES: Well, that was a colossal failure… Damn, this shit ain’t easy. Guess I might as well head home… Home… Shit, how do I get home??? Where am I????
FADE TO BLACK.
—————-
Hmmm…. That wasn’t terribly encouraging…
Anyone wanna get a keg?
