Originally posted: January 24, 2004
And now, a journey into the mind of a 28 year old goofball buying a sofa cover. Based on a true story
Damn parking lot. Well, I guess it’s reassuring to know that Super Target’s parking lot is full of the same amount of idiots as every other parking lot. There’s something to be said about consistency. Ok, now let’s get this thing done, Bones. In and out. Grab sofa cover and leave. Got it?
Sofa cover sofa cover sofa cover… Where the hell does one find a sofa cover in this damn place? Oh cool, CD section. Wonder if they have anything good? Not now Bones, you just bought 3 CDs yesterday. Turn around. Move on. Cool. Moving…
Oh cool, remote controls. Do I need one of those?
Man, there’s tons of babes in this Super Target. Chicks dig Super Target. Man, tons of babes. Wish there was a bar in here… Oh, there’s a hot one. She’s got a kid. Yeah, a hot mom… Hell yeah. Baby’s gonna stay at grandma’s tonight so mommy can play with her new friend… Oops, there’s dad. Keep moving…
Wonder if they got any more of those long sleeve thermal undershirts? Those are cool. And they’d go great with my collection of dew rags and U.S.A. belt buckles, I bet. That’s a cool look… well, if you’re the rebel kid in a John Hughes flick. Damn. Keep moving…
Linens… The linen section. Is a sofa cover linen? What is linen? Fabric? It’s towels and shit, I think. Linen linen linen… John Linen.. Heh heh. Shit, nope, curtains and shit. Oh, here’s some pillows. We’re getting close. Do I need a pillow? I can put a pillow on the sofa cover. That would look nice, right? Shit, I don’t have any idea if that would look nice. Maybe I’ll ask one of these hot girls. No, that would be weird. Sound like I’m making subtle sex innuedos. Which I guess would be correct… Keep moving…
Aaaah, here we go. Chair covers, loveseat covers… Man, loveseat is a creepy name if you gotta sit next to your buddy in one. Budseat is what I’d call it then. No, that’s still creepy…
Sofa covers! Sweet. Ok, now what?
We got red sofa covers, light blue, green… What color do I want… Well, I got green curtains so maybe I should… Damn, smells like a fart over here. That me? No, I smell alright. Who farted in the domestics section? Fucking weird. I wonder if it’s that girl over there? Hilarious, that girl farted. She probably thought it’d be one of those polite unnoticeable ones. Nope. She’s walking away. Yep, must have been her. Why you running away? Embarrassed? You can run from yourself but eventually you’ll have to stop and admit that, yes, you’re dropping dude farts…
Or maybe it is me… Maybe that’s why she’s walking away so fast. Damnit.
Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, we got green sofas covers, red sofa covers… I have green curtains, so… I guess green? That too much green? How much green is too much, that’s what I’d like to know. I think it will be alright. It’s all about the composition…
What do you just say?
Composition. It’s all about composition.
Dude, you’re not an artist. Don’t say shit like that. Just cause you got a shitty ponytail doens’t mean you can comment on color composition.
Sure I can, I’m good with visuals.
No you’re not, you’re a freaking programmer.
Sure I am. I know what I’m talking about. It’s all about composition.
Fine, Frenchie, than say it out loud.
What?
Say “It’s all about composition” out loud, so everyone will know how artistic and profound you are.
No.
Say it, arto.
No!
Say it out loud, asshole!
NO!!! Oops, I just said that out loud.
Weird bastard.
Shut up. Damnit, stop talking to yourself you freak! I’m not talking, I’m just thinking. I can’t control what comes into my head. Yes you can. No I can’t. Yes you can – think of an egg. Egg? Yeah… Ok… thinking… Did you think of an egg? Yeah. THAN YOU CAN CONTROL WHAT YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!
Green sofa covers, red sofa covers… Ok, green.
$100 for this thing? Damnit! A hundred bucks? To cover a damn couch? I should just steam clean the damn puke stains off it and consider it a done deal. This ain’t worth it.
Man, a hundred bucks. That’s like 12 12-packs of Budweiser. Or 4 bottles of shitty scotch. Or 20 pints, plus tip, at the bar. Or 25 boxes of smokes. Or…
Grab the damn sofa cover and let’s go, Bones!!!
Alright! Man, there’s no way I’m not gonna screw this thing up….
Man, it’s gonna be all wrinkled and shit and I’m gonna have to iron it. Hell no, I’m not ironing. I’ll just put it on and hope for the best. Well, it says here that I can smooth out the wrinkles by spraying a little bit of water on it. I can do that. Hmm, do I have a mister at home? If I have a mister, I could…
What did you just say?
Nothing. I didn’t say anything.
What did you just think?
Uh, I guess I was thinking about whether I had a mister at ho…
A mister.
Yeah, you know, a spray bott…
I know what a mister is. Don’t ever say “mister” again.
I didn’t. I thought…
DON’T FUCKING THINK “MISTER” EITHER!!! In fact, don’t say, or think, “mist.” That word sucks. It’s completely wimpy. Got it?
Yeah. Can I at least say “Myst,” as in “Myst, the Game?”
“Myst” is fine. It’s got a “Y” in it. You can say “Myst.”
Man, I gotta get out here. I’m getting all bi-polar.
No, bipolar would be more like this: YOU’RE BUYING A SOFA COVER, YOU LOSER!! LOOK AT YOU! A SOFA COVER!! YOU STUPID, STUPID BASTARD!! NOW GET OUT OF HERE!!!”
Sheesh, alright. I’m going. Should I get some plates or something?
OUT, BONES! GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!!! IT’S DRIVING US MAD…err.. YOU MAD…err… ME MAD… SHIT! GO GO GO!!!
I’m going! I’m going!
Uh, you wanna get something to eat on the way outta here?
Sure. Tacos?
Sounds good.
Sorry I yelled at you.
It’s ok. It’s been a stressful afternoon in here.
Yeah, it has.
Man, that mom was hot, though, wasn’t she?
Yeah buddy, she was… We’re alright, man. You and me, man…
Yeah, the Sofa Cover buddies.
Don’t ever think that again…
Sorry.
That was a journey into the mind of a 28 year goofball buying a sofa cover. Based on a true story.
