Originally posted: October 21, 2005
Man, I’ve been feeling under the weather this week. “Under the weather” being a figure of speech, of course. I don’t believe in weather. But I’ve been feeling shitty. I have a cold, I guess. And I’m a little ashamed about it, to tell you truth. A little embarrassed about how poorly I’m handling it. I used to never get sick – could brag about my inhuman immune system and not be lying. But now it seems I get sick about once a year or so. And it seems like I’m just getting wimpier and wimpier. Listen to this – I actually bought orange juice today! Tonight I had soup for dinner! I even worked from home today! Of course, that last one was more out of common courtesy, to give my co-workers a break from having to sit through another day of lung-hacks and snot-snorts. My solution to curing a cold has always been the CC Plan – Cigarettes and Cognac. Or any other alcohol, actually. Basically I’d just slam my body with as many vices as possible and wake up feeling so hungover that I’d forget I was sick. But I’m not even in the mood for a beer tonight! I’m drinking TEA!!! WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME???
I just took a sip of tea. It sucks. Man, I’m really embarrassed about my behavior. If I had a girlfriend, I’ll bet you that I’d be laying on the couch under a blanket right now, whining to her about how I want a grilled cheese sandwich. For real! I’m so ashamed at my faltering manhood that I think I’m going to have to go out to the bars tommorow and pound whiskey and chain-smoke cigs just to feel better about myself. But actually, maybe not whiskey. Lately that stuff’s been really sticky in my brain – like a single shot just hangs around all the next day making things just a little bit blurrier. Maybe I should go with Jagermeister. Actually, yeah, cause Jagermeister tastes like cough syrup, and I have a cold, and so that all makes a lot of sense. I’m glad we had this talk.
So anyway, if you happen to see me at a bar tommorow, alone and drunk and puffy-headed and fat-brained and coughing and mumbling on and on about how many asses I’m going to kick tonight, forgive me. I’m not actually a bar-fighter, it’s just that I’m trying to feel tough to make up for the fact that I have the FUCKING SNIFFLES!!!
Do you ever think about how funny it is that something so gross as big bulbous globs of slime leaking from your honker has such a cutesy name as “sniffles”? Isn’t that ironic? Do you think the guy who invented that word now brags about how he was into irony before it was hip to be ironic? Oh nevermind, let’s not get into that discussion right now. These are the kinds of questions that keep me up all night. And I really need my sleep, cause little Bonesy has a cold. Arrrghh I suck!
Anyway, while I’m rambling, let’s talk about Halloween, shall we? Halloween is my favorite holiday. I’ve said this before, but Halloween is not really a holiday for the kids. No, Halloween’s for the adults. What other holiday allows you to get right to the drinking part without having to sit though a stupid dinner first? Oh, and you get to drink in a costume! What could be better? I mean, normally I’m happy enough just to drink with my shirt off, but getting to drink in a costume? Oh, the joys are endless!
The only problem, and it’s a recurring one, is that I get so excited about what costume I’m going to wear and build up my anticipation so much that I end up stalling until the last minute in a subconscious attempt to prevent disappointment in an inevitable failed execution. And my costume always sucks.
Last year my costume sucked. Well it was actually funny – my buddy is a cop, so a group of us dressed up as cops, and he dressed up as a guy with a regular job – but the costumes themselves sucked. We all just wore a policeman shirt. That was it. A policeman shirt and jeans. And my cop buddy wore a button-up short sleeve shirt and a tie.
No effort involved.
Oh, but I did have a fake mustache. I think that was the third fake mustache I got to wear last year. I cherish the opportunities to wear a fake mustache. Don’t you?
So of course I’ll be wearing a fake mustache this year. But what else? What grandiose concept shall I devise and not follow through on?
I always brainstorm on a way to incorporate nudity into the costume. I think it would be so damn funny to be standing around with a group at a party talking about bullshit like work or gravity or something, and me with no pants on. But of course, I then realize that sooner or later I’ll be outside having a smoke and chatting with some dude doing the same, and I still won’t have pants on. And that’s not so funny.
I contemplated doing the whole gore-thing. “I invented the internet!” Ha ha! Not Al Gore, you silly kids! Oh you… No, I mean gore, like blood and shit.
Speaking of gore, back in the 6th grade my friend Leo and I saw “Summer School” in the theatres. We got so stoked on the characters Chainsaw and Dave that as soon as the movie was out, we raced over to the mall to buy any gore-related shit we could find. The mall was lacking. I think I ended up with a tube of fake blood, a coin bank that had a zombie hand on it, and a Freddy Krueger poster. We kept up our gore schtick for quite some time, and never once did we get a girl like the hot foreign babe that Chainsaw and Dave were able to score.
A quick reminder, kids: Just cause it’s cool in Hollywood doesn’t mean that it’s cool in real life. Tony Masselli may have been able to do the deed with Angela, but do you want to know how many real live-in male maids are macking the hot executive mom? None! And imagine having to clean up Jonathan’s room. Just imagine what weird shit that creepy little kid was doing in there…
Where we were? Oh yeah, costumes. I thought about going as a “canoed” corpse. “Canoed,” as in “canoe.” That’s a term for someone who’s been sliced open all the way down from neck to waist. A disgusting term, no? But that’d be a kick-ass gory costume. And it would allow me to go shirtless! But, I’m afraid it would be a little bit of a gamble to assume that I just happen to be an undiscovered prodigy horror make-up artist. I’d probably end up looking like a hairy shirtless idiot who just got barfed on by his girl that’s had one too many Vodka Cranberrys.
I also deliberated over going as The Miz from the Real World. You know that guy? Mike, the one who became a wrestler? “I’M THE MIZ, BABY!!!” I thought about dressing up as him, but I’m afraid I’d spend the entire night regretting my decision, knowing that instead of going Real World I should have gone Laguna Beach.
“Hey, nice costume, Bones. Who are you?”
“I’m Steven. Post-Kristen, of course! Where’s L.C.? Ha ha!”
“Ha Ha! That’s awesome!”
“Thanks! Yeah, I just figured I’d…”
“But you’re 30. You shouldn’t be watching Laguna Beach.”
” :-( “
Maybe I could go with something a little more, uh, mundance. Like water. Or night. Or warm. Imagine dressing up as water or night or warm. How would you do that? I mean, these are three things that have a major effect on our lives, and how often do we think about dressing up as them? Well, maybe it’s time we did.
No, I think I need to get down to brass tacks here and just be honest with myself. Clearly, I’m not going to put forth much effort on a costume. And clearly, I’m not going to wear pants. So, what to do?
I think I’ve got it!
I’ll wear a pair of shitty white boxers and a wife-beater and a robe and a pair of slippers. And a fake mustache, of course. And I’ll carry a newspaper under my arm. You know where I’m going with this, right? Yep, I will be a dad who’s going to take a dump early on a Sunday morning.
That’s it. That will be my costume. A dad who’s going to take a dump early on a Sunday morning.
Thanks for talking through this with me. I appreciate your time. Oh, as a payback, I’ll give you a little tip. If you happen to see me out that night, make sure you take a quick peek at my sexy legs. Hoooo, man! Want a visual? Think of dental floss with hair on it.
But enough about me. What are you going to be for Halloween? Please don’t say “a dad who’s going to take a dump early on a Sunday morning.” I don’t want people to think I copied you…
