Originally posted: December 22, 2004
INT. BONES’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Bones lies in bed, dead asleep, snoring. A strange greenish mist flows from under the bedroom door and into the room. The mist casts a strange stench of cigarette smoke and Budweiser. Slowly, the mist begins to coalesce, forming what appears to be a shape of a body. As the mist collects, we begin to see features. Human features. An arm, a leg, a pony-tail, a goatee, a big nose. It’s Bones from the past. A strange, eerie greenish hippie Bones. The apparation looks over at the sleeping man on the bed. It scratches it’s ass, then clears it’s throat.
APPARATION:
Bones! Bones, wake up!
The short-haired fellow on the bed stirs a little.
BONES:
(still sleeping)
Mmmm… Umph… Condeeleza… You’re being silly…
APPARATION:
Oh man… Bones! Wake up.
BONES:
Mmm… Math tests…
APPARATION:
BONES!!! WAKE UP, YOU FOOL!
Bones opens his eyes and sees the ghastly figure standing over his bed. He screams in terror.
BONES:
Whoa what the fuck!!!!
APPARATION:
Booooones!!! Booooones!!! Do you know what I am?
BONES:
(Shaking)
You… you… you’re a… a… you’re me… Me… I’m staring at me. Through some rip in the space-time continuum, I’ve been provided a glimpse of myself from the past. A dimension where time runs slightly slower than that of my current dimension, where the events have not yet caught up to the events in my own dimesion…
APPARATION:
What? No. I’m a ghost, dude.
BONES:
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
APPARATION:
Ssshhhh! Dude, pipe down! You’re going to wake everyone up!
BONES:
I… uh… live alone…
APPARATION:
Still?
BONES:
What? Fuck you, dude!
APPARATION:
Booooones…. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past….
BONES:
From another dimension?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST (GoCP):
Well, yeah, I guess you could say that. Being you’re still alive, and being that I’m theoretically YOUR ghost, it’s safe to say I’m from an alternate dimension.
BONES:
Hot damn! I knew it!!!
GoCP:
Knew what?
BONES:
That ghosts are merely a visual cast of ourselves from another dimesion! Like an interdimensional TV of sorts!
GoCP:
No dude, I’m just a ghost. You know, a ghost? An apparation from the after-life roaming through your human world on a quest to bring you an important message…
BONES:
But, from another dimension, right? Like, you’re really alive in your own dimension, right? You’re just tranluscent because the wormhole isn’t fully formed?
GoCP:
No. I’m a ghost. A spirit. A wrath. An apparation. A FUCKING GHOST, DUDE! Your ghost, Bones! Alright? You’re dead, Bones! You’re dead in another dimension and I’m your fucking ghost! And I’m here on a fucking quest with a fucking message for you! Ok??? Can we got on with this?
BONES:
(Pondering)
So… I was right about the whole parallel dimension thing… But as for the ghost theory, it seems…
GoCP:
It seems your wrong, asshole! I’m a damn spirit that rose our of your own dead stupid lanky-ass body!
BONES:
Whoa…
GoCP:
Can we just get on with this? Boooooones…. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past….
BONES:
So how’d I die, anyway?
GoCP:
Booon…. What? Dude, I’m in the middle of a fucking “Ghost Moan”! Can you please just shut the hell up for a moment and let me finish???? Man, I didn’t realize I was so damn annoying…
BONES:
And I didn’t realize I was such a whiner… Damn dude, chill out. Just tell me how I died…
GoCP:
Fine. Look, there’s infinite dimensions, like you said. You’ve died and you’ve lived according to every possibility. Name it, and you’ve died by it.
BONES:
But you in particular. How did YOU die?
GoCP:
I was eaten by a snake…
BONES:
…
GoCP:
Boooooones…. I am the Gho…
BONES:
A snake?
GoCP:
Please, let me finish!!! I’ve seriously got a lot going on, alright? I don’t need to be bullshitting for eternity with you. Just let me do what I’ve come here for so I can get back to the afterlife where I’m doing Mead shots with hot chambermaids from the Dark Ages…
BONES:
Well why didn’t you just say so? I can respect that… Go ahead, man. Ghost away…
GoCP:
Boooooones… I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. I have come to take you on a quest. On this quest, you will meet two other Ghosts: the Ghost of….
BONES:
Whoa whoa whoa! Hold up! I gotta work tommorow, man. I can’t be going on same quest, hanging with a bunch of other ghosts and shit! Can we do this on a weekend or something?
GoCP:
No, we can’t! Because you’re gonna be out all night at some bar and you’ll be way too drunk to concentrate, and this whole thing is gonna be ruined. Sheesh, man. Can’t you just give me a break? You think I want to be here? I’ve got my own shit to do! I’m tired. My allergies are bothering me… I don’t even know how to get home from here…
BONES:
Ok, dude. Fair enough. Maybe we can find a happy middle ground. Why don’t you give me an abridged version of this little quest thing of yours. I’ll sign your waiver or whatever it is you need me to do, and you can get outta here. Cool?
GoCP:
Uh, yeah. Cool…
BONES:
Great, so what’s the haps, Apps?
GoCP:
Uh well. My task on this quest was to take you back through the past year and show you all the great times you’ve had. Show all you have to be thankful for. Show you all the reasons why you should be happy. Help you understand why you shouldn’t be so sad…
BONES:
Dude, I’m not sad.
GoCP:
What?
BONES:
I’m not sad, dude. That’s you who’s the sad one. You’re like a year late, my man.
GoCP:
Seriously?
BONES:
Seriously. So yeah, maybe last year around this time I was little bummed. Sure. But you can learn a lot in a year, if you want to. And well, yeah. I mean, I was happy before. I guess. But I was quantifying my happiness on some skewed status quo that I created for myself. And it was kinda bullshit, you know? But this year, man, I got a chance to put it all into perspective. And I no longer have any expectations on happiness. And that, my friend, is the key to happiness. And I realized that the people that are in my life right now… The ones who deal with my quirks and my oddities and my neurotic phobias… And my rowdy late-night bar behavior… The ones that realize that these are what make me who am I, and they embrace them… Well, these are the people that are going to be in my life forever. The unconditional ones… The ones who I guess I didn’t appreciate as much when I was…uh…you. And with that, that realization, I’m quite certain I’m one of the luckiest mother fuckers out there… And I’m going to have myself one happy Christmas.
GoCP:
Oh.
BONES:
So, what were you going to show me?
GoCP:
Well… um… I was going to show you that, actually…
BONES:
I’ve got it all recorded in my blog, dude. We can turn on my laptop and take a look, if you want. Save you the whole hassle of time travel…
GoCP:
You really are kind of a know-it-all-prick, aren’t you?
BONES:
I try not to be…
GoCP:
Well, I guess my work here is…uh… done.
BONES:
Hold up a sec! What about the future? Can you show me that? I mean, the past is the past. The farther away from it you get, the more it changes. It’s not real. You remember the good shit, and forget the bad shit. It’s constantly changing. You know? But the future, man. Well hell, that’s kinda intriguing to me…
GoCP:
I guess… I could… well, I guess we’re ahead of schedule… so yeah, sure… Hold on. Let me get into character…. Booooones, I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past here on a mission to take you into your future… Follow me…
BONES:
So, did I really get eaten by a snake?
GoCP:
Would you just get up and follow me???
The Apparation leans down to yank off the bedsheets.
BONES:
Whoa dude! Knock it off! I got morning wood! Why the hell do you think I’m stalling so much? Shit man, show some empathy, would you? Just give me a minute…
GoCP:
Sorry. I’ll be right back…
The Apparation exits. We hear him shuffling around in the other room, rattling chains, making plates move, etc… We then hear him dragging something heavy. The dragging gets louder and louder until the Apparation returns, dragging a massive barrel behind him.
BONES:
What the hell is that???
GoCP:
It’s my time travel vessel.
BONES:
A barrel???
GoCP:
Be careful what you wish for, dude. You’re not the only dimension with a sense of humor…
BONES:
Eeesh… So maybe I should, uh, tone down the Bea Arthur jokes?
GoCP:
That might be a good idea… So, let’s go, dude. Hop in.
BONES:
In there? Why?
GoCP:
Cause it’s your turn in the barrel…
BONES:
Ha! Good one, man!
Bones rolls out of bed and walks over to the barrel. He looks it over once or twice, shrugs his shoulders, and crawls in. The Apparation slaps on a Red Baron cap and a pair of aviator goggles, and hops in the barrel with Bones…
GoCP:
You ready for the future, my friend?
BONES:
I think so, man. I think so…
GoCP:
Then let’s go…
Green mist begins to fill the room. Slowly the solidity of the barrel and it’s two occupants begins to diminish. The mist grows thicker and darker until we lose sight of our two protaganists. When the mist dissapates, Bones and the Apparation are gone.
…
GoCP:
(Voice-over)
So, do you know how to get to the highway from here?
BONES:
(Voice-over)
Not really… You got any MapQuest printouts in this thing?
GoCP:
(Voice-over)
You serious? You don’t even know how to get to the highway from your house???
BONES:
(Voice-over)
Well I think we can take a right at the next… No wait, go straight… No, right… Yeah, we want to turn right… I think…
GoCP:
(Voice-over)
Shit…
FADE OUT.
