Shifting

Hi gang, how are you?  I’m a bit tired.  Early day at the office.  We had a code deployment scheduled for 7am this morning, and for me, like a lot of folks in software development, this was about two and a half hours earlier than my usual work day begins.  When we have these early conference calls, most of the team members roll out of bed, turn on their laptops, and call into the bridge.  You can hear people yawning, sipping coffee, babies crying in the background.   But for me, a creature of the most neurotic of habits, this meant that I had to wake up at 4:45am so I could engage in my normal daily ritual of make coffee, shower, fill up cup of coffee,  peruse my daily news sites, fill up cup of coffee, finish getting ready,  fill up to-go cup of coffee, head to the office.  I explained to my co-workers that these abnormally early work days don’t mean that my schedule is allowed to change in any way . Everything just shifts forward two and half hours.   So now I’m kind of tired.

Those of you with young kids who have to wake up at crazy early hours every day probably don’t see this as all that big of a deal, and you’re right.  It’s not.  It’s just another funny difference between those of you with family responsibilities and those of us without.  Presumably, new parents don’t have the luxury of shifting their entire days forward or backwards in time to placate their need for consistent patterns.  No, early morning code deployments or not, you’re up and at ‘em when you need to be, making breakfast for your kids, getting them ready for school, whatever.   On code-deployment days, you’re probably balancing a cell-phone between your ear and your shoulder while cutting the crust off a PB & J and trying to get your toddler to stop removing his beanie with the propeller on it.  Kids still wear those, right?  You don’t get to go to bed two hours earlier so you can wake up two hours earlier so you can pretend like everything is the exact same as always, albeit a bit darker.  No, you gotta do the real stuff.  Not me, though.  It’s much simpler.  And weirder.  It’s funny how much influence you’ll let your neuroses have over your lifestyle when you don’t have any body else to take care of.

Another difference between people in the office with families and people without are the work schedules.  When you have kids, you HAVE to leave the office at a certain time.  Whether or not you were able to complete everything you needed to complete, when it’s time to pick up the kids from day care or take ‘em to karate, you don’t get to say “just one more hour.” No, you gotta get out of there.  Maybe you’ll crank up the laptop on the coffee table after the kids have gone to sleep, or maybe, well, the boss will just have to accept the fact that the shit didn’t get done.  Hell, I even remember those pressures just from my past days of having girlfriends.  Sooner or later, no matter how comfortable they are with your workaholic tendencies, everybody gets tired of having to eat alone across the table from their significant others’ empty place mat.  I remember when my older brother, who has similar work tendencies as I do, came to grips with the reality that work was going to have to take a back seat once he had kids.  And this is a good thing, of course.  But me, nope, I just work all night.  My brother lives in California, with its three hour time difference, and we’ll often chat on the phone together as we both leave work. He at 6 and me at 9.

Working is much easier when you’re single, for sure.  But there’s one part about software development that sucks when you’re single.  And that’s when shit breaks.  When you get those unexpected emergency calls because some anomaly is preventing users from logging into a site and the client’s freaking out because this weekend is, as always, an “important one.”  This doesn’t happen often, and it’s not my job to respond to those kinds of things, but yet I live in fear of these scenarios.   I don’t worry so much on the week nights, since I’m probably in the office anyway, but the weekends are a totally different story.  Because, well, there’s a decent chance that when the call comes I’m either going to be (A.) Drunk,  or (B.) Hungover.   And there’s few things that can ruin a good beer buzz like work can.

I take a lot of care in making sure that my software projects are of the highest quality, solely so that I can drink in peace. This, I confess, is the way of the corporate single man.

Speaking of being single, this past weekend I was attending a baby shower thrown for my little brother and sister-in-law.   When it was time for them to open presents, the host handed them a big clumsily-wrapped gift box.  “Who’s this from?” they asked.   “That one’s from me,” I answered.  And then the host handed over another box. “That one’s mine, too,”  I said.  And then she handed over a bag of more stuff.  “And… that’s from me, too.”   As Chris and Jenn opened each of the gifts, all the shower attendees ooohh’ed and awwwe’d.   There was some good gifts in there, if I may say so.  I’m not so interested in being a dad any time soon, but I really like the idea of being a kick-ass uncle.  As the gifts were displayed, the various wives in the group exclaimed,  “Wow!” and “Bones is so thoughtful,”  and soon, the inevitable,  “Why do you not have a girlfriend, Bones?”  and then, “I know, I was just telling him I was going to introduce him to one of my single girlfriends!”  and for a brief moment, the entire party was focused on the awkward single guy leaning in the doorway. And his love life.

I was thinking about how, had there been a bunch of women at the party that I didn’t know, it would have been an awesome opportunity to play the sympathy card. meow

“Bones, I can’t believe you don’t have a girlfriend!”

“Yeah, well, I guess I haven’t found the right girl.  That special someone  with whom I can share my immense love of… life… of dogs, of long walks, of romantic dinners, poetry, flowers, conversation, rainbows, kittens in flower beds, the Twilight series…”

Or whatever one would say if one were slick.  Course, I was old friends with pretty much every one in the room, and they would have seen through any attempt to sound smooth that didn’t end with my performing a magic trick or robot imitation.  Not to mention, lying to impress your friends is kinda pathetic, right?   Almost as pathetic as lying to impress strangers to get laid.  So, uh, had there been girls at the shower that I didn’t know, I imagine I would have handled the situation exactly as I did – an awkward shrug and a sip of beer.

But hey, attention is attention, and I’ll take what I can get.

here kitty kittyThe thought of playing the role of sympathetic single guy as a ploy to get the girl reminds me of those old party movies from the 80s.  You know the ones I’m talking about, right?  Simple plots of shallow rich good looking guys, shallow beautiful blond vixens, and the awkward nerdy protagonist who, despite all odds (and reality), ends up winning the love of that one quality girl who, while being stunning, possesses an innate ability to see past all the awkwardness and realize the inner charms of the guy.   This common simple universal theme, with lots of gratuitous nudity.

Revenge of the Nerds, Spring Break, Fraternity Vacation, for instance.

Wonderful little movies.  But man, have you seen any of these recently?  They’re extraordinarily misogynistic.  Take Fraternity Vacation as an example.  A tale of dudes from two rival fraternities, spending their spring break in Palms Springs, who make a $1000 wager as to who will be the first one to bed the quiet, kind-hearted, beautiful woman in the hotel across from the pool.  The majority of this movie consists of the two rival pairs of dudes trying to trick this lady into thinking they’re good guys/sympathetic guys/creative guys/whatever, for the sole sake of getting laid to win a bet!   At one point, the good guys take pictures of her changing clothes (gratuitous nudity) so they can manipulate the image to make it look like she’s engaged in a sex act with one of them.  The GOOD GUYS did this!  Photographed a woman changing in her hotel!  Correctly me if I’m wrong, but didn’t some creep recently do the same thing to some ESPN lady? And he was universally condemned, right? And deservedly so.  But back in the 80s, man?  Just boys being boys!    At the end of the movie, of course, the nerdy pathetic tagalong comic-relief character ends up sleeping with this woman.  None of the frat boys suffer in any major way for their misdeeds, and everybody becomes friends by the time the credits roll.  And we all learn an important lesson – that women are for betting on,  and nerds can gain acceptance from their peers by simply banging a hottie.    meow

Ahh, the eighties.

Fraternity Vacation was one of Tim Robbins’ early roles, by the way.  I wonder if he’s stoked on that.  Oh well, despite the perhaps misguided morality of these flicks, they’re still wonderful marvels of American cinema.   And if the nerd can prevail over the rich, better-looking yuppie and get the girl, then there’s hope for us all.  Let’s take the case of…  hold on a sec.

What was that? Oh, ha.  A  cat.

Kitty!  Kitty cat, what are you doing at my office door?   How did you get in my house?  It’s ok, little guy.   Don’t be scared, kitty, I…  another one?   Is that your friend, kitty?   Two of you somehow got into my house?   Which door did I leave open?  Here, let me get you back outside.  Wait a minute.  A third cat?  What the hell?  Four?   Five cats…  Six.  Where are you coming from?  Seven.  Crowding my doorway.  Don’t come in here.  NO!  DON’T come in here.  Oh my God, there’s more.  Oh my God, how many is that?  Twelve, thirteen, fourteen…

NO, DON’T COME IN HERE!   GO!  GIT!

GET OUT OF HERE!

Oh my God.

No, don’t come in.  Get away.   GET AWAY.   GET AWAY!    SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!   GET OFF ME!   GET… OFF…  HELP ME….

OH GOD, SOMEBODY HELP….

.

here kitty kitty.

are we ready?

is it time to go?

shall I follow you, kitties?  or will I lead you?

are we ready to meet her?

we mustn’t keep her waiting.

not while there’s so much left of me.